New Years
and I’m staring at the clock
like it owes me something
like the past year didn’t steal
half the air from my lungs
and the rest
was left in cigarette smoke
and cheap wine
New Years
and everyone’s hugging
like it erases the pain
like it erases the debt
like it erases the bodies
we left behind in our own bedrooms
New Years
and I’m counting
not down
but up
up through mistakes
up through broken promises
up through voices that still echo in my head
telling me I wasn’t enough
or maybe too much
New Years
and the fireworks sound like war
and the champagne tastes like regret
and I am both / laughing
and crying
all at once
New Years
and I keep thinking
maybe this one
maybe this one I’ll survive
maybe this year
I’ll finally forgive myself
and not just the ghosts